Hall of Pain

Often when I (Flocci) mention to someone that I'm off to a roller derby bout, I find myself put on the spot: "Oh, do you skate?"

Who, me? The girl who bruises just looking at something she could bump into? No, I don't skate. And I'm not planning on ever strapping wheels to my feet while around a bunch of other women who see it as their duty to knock me over.

You see, I've seen too much derby to be willing to skate. Or rather, I've seen too many rollergirls who scare the heck out of me to be willing to skate. These women aren't necessarily the biggest or hardest-hitting, but they're the ones who I just know would leave me feeling like I'd been run over by a truck if I ever went up against them. I admire them, I develop derby crushes on them, and I cheer 'til I'm hoarse for them, but I will not put on skates and join them, because I prefer to keep my body parts in their current orientation.

Here, then, is my Hall of Pain, which will expand as I discover more skaters who scare me:

Star Slayer · 3.14 · Green Mountain Derby Dames / Grade A Fancy · This woman has booty blocking down to an art. I even made a fan sign that says, "in Slayer's hips we trust." She can lay out any jammer who comes up on her, and she's a darned good jammer, herself. She finds holes in the pack that shouldn't be big enough, and wiggles her way through with grace and style to spare.

Flexi · 0 · Hellions of Troy · She has muscles I didn't even know existed, and she knows how to use them to knock skaters on their butts before they even notice she's there. She's like a ninja crossed with a grizzly bear. And did I mention the muscles?

Jackie Daniels · 7 · Windy City Rollers / The Fury & All-Stars · Jackie skates in cut-off white jean shorts, wears a belt with a buckle the size of my head, and has her derby number tattooed on her arm. Whether jamming or blocking, she flies around the track, leaving a pile of broken blockers in her wake. She is, by far, the best and most terrifying skater I've ever seen.

More to come...