30 December 2011

Bout Recap: Twin City Riot vs Burlington Bombshells

Now that the Cup is over and Flocci has returned to health and sanity, let's go back in time for a long-overdue bout recap.

Back in September, we kidnapped our friend SlapDash and headed up to Barre to see the Twin City Riot host Burlington's Bombshells. Before the women took the track, though, the men of the Burlington Bomb Quads and the Mass Maelstrom went head-to-head in an exhibition bout. As with most men's derby, we lamented the lack of speed control (it's all fast, all the time), but marveled at the footwork and jumps, even if they were a bit sloppy. Also true to form, there was one skater who stood out, but we don't know his name -- he skated for the Maelstrom, and his number is 1337 -- he used strategy, he's an effective blocker, and his pink helmet was terribly cute. (Dear teams, please post rosters on your websites? Please?) The Bomb Quads wore black, the Maelstrom wore white, and, as SlapDash pointed out, "the guys in white always win." The Maelstrom's victory was a decisive 133-68.

Twin city came out sporting sequined silver skirts to celebrate the bout's disco theme, aaaaand... it kind of went downhill from there. Don't get us wrong, we love the Riot. They're awesome. But when they play a team that's not even close to being at the same skill level, even the best team can be kind of boring to watch (see also: Team USA vs. everybody). The Bombshells, wearing Sharpie-numbered uniforms and low-contrast panties (almost as if they were deliberately giving WFTDA rules the finger), looked wobbly on their skates, and barely managed to score 16 points by the end of the first half -- answered with 196 by the Riot. The Riot, realizing they'd win the bout without even trying, let just about everybody on the team try their hand at jamming. We discovered that you can take Mocha Latte out of the blocker role, but you can't take the blocker out of Mocha -- she brings the booty blocks even when she's jamming.

At the half, we looked at the score, looked at the time, and decided that we'd rather go get dinner than stick around for the rest of the slaughter. Flocci's notes read, "2nd Half: Who knows? (...what evil lurks in the hearts of men...) Burritos!" That the burritos were better than the derby made us sad, but at least we had full bellies to console us.

The only good thing about this bout is that the highlight video (if one can call it that) is available online. CVTSport has posted it here. You'll hear a lot of cheering only because the hometown crowd was so supportive of the Riot that they went nuts for each and every scoring pass.

The final score, we found out later, was 260-38. That says it all.